The 14th of February is just a dot in the horizon. The summer flirts are slowly dying away and becoming memories of the past. The one night stands seems less and less joyful and the empty side of the bed is even emptier. Winter is coming. But where did all of the love go?
When I wake up every morning, cold and freezing from the lack of human warmth, I just feel that great wave of loneliness wash over me like an ice-cold flood. Drinking my morning tea with myself as company just doesn’t feel as cozy as I thought it would feel. No texts on my phone, except from a friend who asks me when our first lesson begins. I just can’t deny the fact that the term “forever alone” is a fucking true thing. If two humans are meant to live together, if love really exists, what in the name of God is wrong with this world? Why do I wake up alone, eat breakfast alone, go to school alone, take walks alone, watch movies alone, study alone and sleep alone?
Sure, friends are there to provide me with that human contact that is essential for life. But it just isn’t the same thing. I need the butterflies in my belly when I get that text I’ve been longing for the whole day and God damnit, I need that look from the person that I, for the moment, feel that I can’t live without. I just need that; we all do. I don’t want to be that desperate girl who starts texting my ex just to get some kind of fake feeling instead of longing after something I have. The winter cold is colder when you’re alone. It doesn’t get better when I see the couple at the bus stop, kissing right in front of my eyes as if if they wanted to just shove it up my face. Yeah, I see you there, why don’t you get a room?
After the last text from my summer flirt, I realized that autumn has little to offer when you need it the most. December is glancing at me with a mocking smile, reminding me of the days when I will walk by the water surrounded by the white, beautiful snow a winter morning, all by myself. It wouldn’t even feel wrong to listen to the song by Celine Dion, because it is so true. Snuggling up by the fireplace in my boyfriend’s shirt seems like a far away dream that will never come true.
Yes, sex gives me pleasure but it is, however, completely useless for feelings. The best-case scenario is that I grow feelings for the person, but that might just as well be the worst-case scenario. Being unhappily in love with someone is probably even worse than having no one. When I think about it, all kinds of love are really something that makes you unhappy in one way or another. But even though we know that, we are still longing for it every second. After a while, we don’t even care who provides us with it, we just take what we can get because everyone seems to be “the one”. Worst of all are the ones who fool us, the ones who want it all. The ones who play with our feelings. They think that they can have everything they want by lying and sneaking and then leave when it suits them. But nevertheless, we find ourselves wondering what we did wrong. This is why love is dangerous; yet, we want it. We need it. Why can’t just autumn give it to us?
Yes, I am pissed of by the loving couples. Yes, I need love. No, you are not alone in having this feeling. This goes out for all singles out there, finding it hard to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I feel you. But light will come, I promise.
I första avsnittet av Project Mental Health podden får du följa Sara Enegren och Claudia Skoglund när de pratar med sin biologilärare, Josefine Reimark, om vad hormonerna egentligen gör i våran kropp. Har du alltid fått höra “Det beror på hormonerna” men inte riktigt förstått varför? Då ska du ta och lyssna på detta avsnitt!